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Exploitive cynics don't get through the Pearly Gates! by Jesus ----- Monday, August 26, 2002
Dear Yehoshua: I kept thinking as I read your FAQ's that I was about to be struck down dead for reading such a sacrilegious text with a smile on my face. But then again with your Dad's diminished capacity his aim could be off and my neighbor may in for a big surprise. Pop was never big on that sort of thing in the first place, it was really just a lot of corporate P.R. from the church guys. You know, you'd think that just being "divine" would be enough for these guys but noooo...... they always need to punch it up or tweak somehow. Dad, who used to have a truly wicked sense of humor, always said that these "modifications" were proof that those heading up the various sects thought it was all bullshit to begin with. Needless to say, exploitive cynics don't get through the Pearly Gates! There is one odd thing though. I'm currently reading a book called The Hiram Key. I just learned yesterday about some of the obscure references regarding your similarity to Mithras, your alleged "queerness", Saul's/Paul's (the original Spin Doctor) poetic license of your myth, the supposed secrets and mysteries that were squelched by the Roman Christian poobahs who won the close Holy Trinity vote at the Council of Nicaea. (near Chad) Humpf. Does this mean there really ARE no coincidences? Nice to see that *someone* does a little homework! Not to brag or anything, but my ass is way firmer than the hindquarters of Mithras (heh heh....he knows I'm just bustin' his chops). Just a little observation about the word "coincidence".......since it refers to things that "coincide", don't you think it should be pronounced coincide-ence? And one more thing - did you let Slim Whitman into Heaven? Slim was a particularly sweet old guy, he made it it with room to spare! But while we're on the subject, I'll let you in on a little secret......... You know who hasn't approached the gates yet? (This is gonna freak ya out!)..............ELVIS! (I swear to me!). Can we self-nominate for reincarnation? —Debbie Yeah, you could go out of your way to be really fucked up, but why bother? Heaven's a totally cool place that you'll really really dig! Be a good person Debbie and I'll personally walk you through the gates and give you a tour of some of the neat back alleys of the place. See ya there! Peace, —Jesus
There is so much I have to say but I' m afraid of dignifying what I just read with too much of a response, so in short- You are dumb After reading your ''Jesus" article I feel as though I lost valuable intelligence I can never get back. When an opinion is placed in front of you, presented as a fact, people tend to get pissed off However when that opinion is half thought out, unsupported, and the writer has their head so far up their ass for so long that their own stench smells like home they tend to forget that the nuggets of wisdom they try to present ain't exactly gold. No matter what side you're presenting this from It's still a turd and nobody wants it. —Andrew R. Andrew, Andrew ... You know, I don't mind you taking this attitude with me. After all, when you preach the gospel of love you get used to people trying to take a shit on ya. So, you feel like you've lost intelligence from reading my FAQ? What you've actually dropped was your own odious "nuggets of wisdom" that have been "passing" for intelligence. You see, the process is just like *peristalsis*...I load you up with a stomach full of "good" and it displaces the "bad"......the bad gets moved along and will sometimes manifest itself in a potty mouth reply, like yours. Everybody has a wall of bricks fall on them sometime in their life Andrew, some of them dust themselves off and keep moving and some of them plant their sorry asses on the sidewalk and spend the rest of their years bitchin' about that fuckin' wall that fell on them. That wall is no excuse when you get to the Pearly Gates. Lay that shit on me and I'll hit "recycle" before you can finish getting the words out of your mouth. Get over it and get on with your life.... Hell, the condo next to Janis Joplin's is gonna open up and I want you to be in the runnin' for it! There's still hope for you Andrew........ just *try* being good for a while, who knows, you might get to like it after you get into the habit! (and no, you idiot, I'm not requiring you to become a nun!). Here's a big wet kiss from ... —Jesus
© 2002, Jesus Christ Almighty.
Comments? Contact xoxounknown@yahoo.com.
Previous columns by Jesus:
A FAQ from Jesus
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